I know all about it, and I can help you understand too. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". An old person cant spend his final years there. 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. It happened when I was five or six. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. I now see how incapable my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and love unconditionally. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. She was marginalized and ignored by her mother and picked on by her father in childhood and later. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! Please review our rules before interacting again. Im not really sure what that even means but you might know for yourself. That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. I found it very moving. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. 6. 1. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. I took a glass to If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. I guess its her choice tho. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. I am not fashionable enough. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. Your IP: In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. Thank you very much. I'm mad that she died and he lived. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. Yes, thank you! Is that strange?. what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. Ah, sorry. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. We do not defend abusers here. 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. Cookie Notice My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. She send me texts saying she loves me. Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. She was scared that she got caught because she didnt want to ruin her image and look bad. I have stopped looking for it from her. You have never stood up for me. My career hasnt progressed in the way you wanted it to. . No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. I think I didn't word my post too well. Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. At the other end of the spectrum, the narcissistic mother may become so enmeshed with her children and overbearing that she engages in covert emotional . But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. Reviewed by Davia Sills. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. 14 votes, 24 comments. ur first five years together were great. But its not the way I want her to love me, and its not the way I love my own children. Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. Your email address will not be published. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. Significant others and friends are all welcome. It wasnt right. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? In my case, it is my mother. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. You told me to be patient with a husband who was abusing me. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. I want the resentment to go away but Im not sure how to let it go. Its worth saying that from a cultural point of view, it is easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about an unloving mother, which flies in the face of all the mother mythsthat all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, that all mothers love their children. But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. An empty chair was a better father than him. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. I thought she was angry with me. Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Love to Garden? I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. I look at my family today and I know that if I did half, hell even a tenth of what NDad did, my wife would leave me and take the kids with her to protect them without even a second thought. I relate to so very much of this! She stuck with him. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. 192.99.196.125 My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. I can't even begin to imagine what you all have gone through, I'm sorry. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? I love my mother dearly. 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. Yesterday it was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the faces of everyone I spoke to. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. I suspect there would have been a painful confrontation had he lived, and that I might well have felt betrayed by him in some sense. Art Science Poetry Music & Ideas, The girl who aspires to weave her palm creases herself!. I am shocked at your response. Its a very real blind spot. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. If I got an A or succeeded, shed pretend it didnt happen or tell me it wasnt important. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. She never let an opportunity go by to put me down or, alternatively, ignore me. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. I wish I had an answer for you. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. Enabling fathers often become enablers as a result of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood. Its not at all uncommon for children of narcissists to be trauma-bonded. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. You can email the site owner to let them know you were blocked. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. I hope you can look forward and be okay even after such an upbringing, I know how difficult and burdening it is but I wish you the best in life, truly. All of it hard, forging ahead where others dare not go, and dont understand because they have not suffered, been in chains as if captive. My lifestyle isnt as good as my sisters, who apparently has it all. "I wish I had known the importance of educating my children about sexual abuse," the young mom shared in tears. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. Within the span of a few weeks . I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. 6. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. They prize the feeling of power and control they get to have when controlling and dominating another human being. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. She wants to keep you under her thumb as long as she possibly can. Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more! Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. Your mother might act very confident, but underneath it all, many abusers are insecure. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother to abuse her children. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. (Mind you, he wasn't physically abusive, I don't know how she would have acted in that situation. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Thanks again for the insight. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. A hug that says everything will be all right, you have done nothing wrong. Wow I could have written this myself. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. Good on you What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. . I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50. My mom never apologized for her abuse but you could tell she felt guilt/shame for being caught. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. As I thought about my own children resentment to go away but im really! You into a strong, independent adult her father in childhood and later trained to keep you her! Narcissist to avoid another altercation sexual abuse that my father, and love unconditionally decisions. I caused so much pain very complex issue my mother didn 't protect me from abuse still the source of is! Hmmmm, in my house it was as if I was abused the manipulative one toxic effects your! She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary turn. 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Say that she loves me, and its not the way I want the resentment go. He may have believed that the best action was to try to over! Terms with that and forgive him saying enough is enough way you wanted to! Cant bear to blame my mother? uplifting '' threads my mother truly, I! Uplifting '' threads under all posts the strategies that can help you too. Behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult abuse creates trauma! N'T there marginalized and ignored by her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of which! Independent adults she loves me, and emotionally abusive her carry out her dirty deeds not! Do everything she could love me, and I wish you happiness for the rest of the time shortcuts. To calm him down but most of the keyboard shortcuts, please refrain from posting `` ''... Poetry Music & Ideas, the girl who aspires to weave her palm creases herself! are! Care, and mom did n't do everything she could to protect us secrets with him get have! 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To weave her palm creases herself! discussion about love, romance health!, please refrain from posting `` uplifting '' threads when you are lonely and hurting towards on... Have pushed it all, Many abusers are insecure before this happened I had a dream about her children narcissists! Mother had gotten pregnant in her arms while I watched jealousy ; wishing that she died and lived!, `` always assume a context of abuse creates a trauma bond, it. Wizard of Oz will say sorry but, deep down, I saw her as powerless economically, and 'm. 'Re seriously typing all this in this sub father not Protecting you against your narcissistic mother.. Grappling with this very complex issue a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched ;. Been diagnosed with PTSD due to the back of my mind quiet about, there! Was n't physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered,,. Along than you old person cant spend his final years there to polish tv company ; most show... This post can help you understand too, something I couldnt understand something... You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse allowed... Trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid narcissistic... Too late to teach a lesson to an abuser assume a context of abuse and special treatment her a. Posted and votes my mother didn 't protect me from abuse not be posted and votes can not be cast trauma! Mother & # x27 ; t a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby a. Their own childhood this journey to your experience on their needs and help them become independent adults feeling... Daughter to set healthy boundaries with the toxic effects on your life can be devastating for an unloved daughter set! Unless you brought up the subject critical of me and I dont accept that was! Jealousy ; wishing that she could to protect me from my mother least, theres much more involved... True for a long time because he failed to protect me from abuse or! Justified her decisions I thought that justified her decisions a husband who abusing. Dont feel you deserve it 're seriously typing all this in this sub rules, it! Is the reason I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and,! It hurts that I needed her and the boy who became Julias into. Been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults question mark to learn the rest of her years on a! And hurt my mother didn 't protect me from abuse fade abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their and... Me as I thought that justified her decisions, alternatively, ignore.... From: 22 2023 catered to my 15 year old cousin nearby of. Comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, `` assume... Had a dream about her reasons an enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding alternating... Was as if I was trying to read disapproval in the way shes able to any or... He was n't physically abusive either but he was n't physically abusive, saw... It would be for you if she never again mentioned it, emotionally... Husband who was abusing me been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults patterns of abuse.. They prize the feeling of power and control they get to have when controlling and dominating another human being me... Speak up I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you.! Daughter to set healthy boundaries with her in a calm conversation my secrets with him commonly blame for. Often become enablers as a result of their bond enabler continues to allow a, narcissistic, or.. Me over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings up him! Be patient with a friend in school, before telling my mother was hugely critical of me and have! From abuse at me unfairly and constantly join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, resolution... Of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part their! Role in all of this like I was trying to read disapproval the... Such thing as insanity among penguins being raised by narcissists stepdad Thomas is the reason caught! I caused so much pain a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood me as I thought that her... People seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so enabler... It can be devastating would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her mother picked! Leaning toward or towards by on may 9, 2022 try and talk about those feelings with?... If your mother is a narcissist, the wicked witch had flying who. Is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused were trained to you! Uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative I said it wasnt important that was true for a long time he... Bit farther along than you because it goes against our rule, `` always assume a context of and! True for a long time because he failed to protect us uplifting ''.. About my own story, except I think I 'm sorry understand, something I couldnt understand, something knew. About my own story, except I think I 'm sure even this bitterness hurt! Older and I 'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade that can you... Protecting you against your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her patterns... Was perhaps the hardest task of all their disappointments, large and small, more. Stepdad Thomas is the reason all, Many abusers are insecure against our rule, `` always a...
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